Works in a Pinch

Now I know where to go when my sphincter just won't quite hold it all in.

And We're Back

Had a week long interruption in programming thanks to google bots mistaking snark with spam.

But hey, looking at the bright side, it means that we have not all been replaced by the great robot empire.

Ron Jeremy's Keg

Holy slippery vaginas Batman, that's a big drum of lube. Now we know who the Playboy Mansion and Bunny Ranch trust for all their moist party solutions.

It comes complete with a pump as well. Hey, in this economy, $1200 bucks for a 55 gallon drum is more expensive than gas, so they better be willing to toss something else in there.

Rehab Your Sex Addiction

When celebrities get caught with his pants down and got the best rehab *cough*resort*cough* money could buy. Give it a little time (what's the media attention span these days David Duchovny?) and they come out certified 100% sex free until they screw up again.

So what do us common folk do? We don't end up on the pages of TMZ, but tend to get those pesky arrest sheets that employers seem so nosy about. Thankfully there is a program available in book form or your kindle that will do the same job.

Liquid Ass

Finally, a product for three on a Friday afternoon when everyone is looking for an excuse to get out of the office.

Sure, Liquid Ass is more expensive than the tried and true beans with cabbage solution, but this averts having to actually eat beans and cabbage.

May Smell Like Wet Dog in the Rain

All this time we all spend brushing our pets and complaining about how much they shed. Someone got around to devising ways we can make our lazy companions useful.

Breaking Up With Him Would Be Easier

We've all been in the awkward position of a one-sided relationship. Or you're in one and one party is oblivious to it being over. For 20 bucks you can avoid the climatic argument and get him running before you can say "it's over."

The breakup might be easier.

Runny Nose Anyone?

For anybody with seasonal allergies, having your nose gunked up with fluids is a messy form of hell. For someone else it is bathroom décor.

Hey, if you really feel like you're missing out on the experience of draining crap out of nostrils, carry on.

Stop Eating Shit Already!

What did pet owners do in the days before Amazon to get their dog to stop treating their shit as a delicacy?

Some other suggestions for the pet owner squicked out by their dog's eating habits:

1. By better food so they can tell the difference between meals and shit.
2. Pick up shit before the dog takes in in their own hands to clean up.
3. Accept fido might just be dumber than average. 50% of 'em fall in this category.

If You're Going to Be That Blunt About it

I suppose if you find your hands down your pants before that big meeting you might want to do something about it. This product will eradicate any and all telltale signs of your exploits.

Used regularly, the alcohol content will eventually train your hands to stay off your genitals long enough to function in proper society again.

Please Present Your Balls

Some guys hand over their balls to their ladies in the figurative sense. This is a touch more literal.

You do this when you buy her the ring anyway; this is just cheaper.

Bacon vs Tofu

Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu. No national stereotypes on display here.

Okay, I can see how people want their bacon to have some 'tude. Here in America we've managed to turn bacon into a meme and industry on itself and damn it, we want to wage the ultimate battle of lifestyle food choices from the comfort of our air conditioned couches.

As far as who wins: Bacon beats the ever living crap of monocle cube, but dies an early death from congestive heart failure after a quadruple bypass.

Kinky Emergency Prepper

Good to know there's an emergency kit out there for when auto-asphyxiation goes awry. And who doesn't lose handcuff keys from time to time?  And we all should know the potential perils that come from latex.

 



More Annoying Than MMM Bob

 

I rest my case.

 

Parents, chances are your kids won't like this and you probably don't want to buy anything they want. This is not the answer as everyone loses. If doesn't have anything like "Eleanor Rigby" or "I Am the Walrus" that would pass the hipster irony sniff test.

 

The incredible thing is the fact that these things sell enough copies to warrant a label paying the extraordinary licensing fees for the Beatles catalogue.

Well Pampered Bacon

Kobe beef gets lots of renown in foodie circles for cows that get pampered with massage to keep its meat at the prime of its succulence. It's so good that people pay top dollar for knockoffs without knowing the difference

Good news everyone (as long as you aren't Jewish or Muslim). You can now learn how to keep your pork in perfect balance using acupuncture.

Can't you just taste the juicy chops and luscious bacon already? No? Someone out there is willing to spend $30 a pound for it anyway.

Mankini

Boys, if you're thinking of this the answer is no. Under no circumstances is this an acceptable garment. Not as a joke and certainly not at the beach.

We know you think you're fantastic down there, and string coverings have done wonders for promoting tities. Just stop thinking now. The truth is you're only going to get awkward stares before the police come to get you for indecent exposure.

I rest my case.

Get the Carpet to Match the Drapes (Muppet Edition)

If you're really up for fooling folks that your red hair is genuine.

......Or blue. Nothing sexier than a sexy blue crotch bush. Nothing turns folks on more than reminders of blue raspberry snow cones.

Now that a summer treat has been ruined for you, enjoy the rest of your day.

No YOU'RE Shampoo

Wait... huh?

So we're lathering sudsy liquid sold en mass at drug stores to avoid polish plaits making a resurgence? Don't get it.

This, ladies and gents is a failed analogy.

Please look forward to my upcoming self help book: How Hipsters are like Grease, a Guide to Making a Buck on Ridiculous Marketing

The Last Frontier of Distracted Driving

This is the perfect gift for the consummate career guy who just can't help but think of all the productivity he is wasting in his commute every day. Texting just doesn't do it, so someone came up with the steering wheel desk to give him almost all the comforts of the cubicle while moving at 60 miles an hour.

Oh, who are we kidding, we all know you're going to spend your time on a game.

"Daddy, look out!"

Does This Already Exist in Japan?

Japanese art has a long history of pornography. Naughty tentacles is a trope that goes back to about the 16th century. Much of modern Akihabara is a playground for the perverted. In that perspective, being able to make a paper penis and matching vulva/clit is pretty tame.

And unless you start playing with these like you did your Barbie and Ken dolls, it is far less creepy than owning a RealDoll.

The Story Thus Far and to Come

About to hit 500 hits on this thing. Not too shabby considering my lack of promotion beyond facebook. Thanks to whoever is reading this from the far reaches of Brazil, Lithuania, Sri Lanka and other places...awesome. I wonder how you got here.

Rather than a product review this afternoon, I present you guys what Amazon thinks I should be purchasing:

Frankly, I just wanted to make the site algorithms do most of the work delving into some very dark waters. Consider this a bit of a sneak preview of the months to come.

That said, since I'm a bit of a lazy broad from time to time, I'm all for submissions. Find a weird item, point me to it. I just need sufficient evidence that it actually exists.

Swiss Army Knife For Your Swiss Army Knife

Ever in a situation where you needed an allen wrench, a fish scaler and a compass at the same time? Well, just in case, someone put the swiss army knife on steroids.

Of course it does have some con according to the reviews:

I tried to file my nails and I ended up putting a corkscrew through my hand. I put it in my pocket and it circumcised me. I tried to open a can of beans and it chiseled through the can. I tried tweezing my stubble and it clamped on my tongue. I use the allen wrench and it cheats on my wife! I hammer a nail and it marries my cat! It refuses to do anything it's supposed to.

For the price I expect my knife to be sentient.

For Your Really Shitty Days

Everyone has one of those crappy days from time to time where we all want nothing more than to tell the world they are full of shit. Now you can.... with a firm squeeze.

Nothing better to relieve the stress of a rough day

If feeling particularly primal, throwing may be acceptable.

First There Was Tang

Ever since the Apollo missions there's been a market to eat like astronauts. Freeze dry anything and suddenly it was space food.

The problem is that everyone came to realize that it sucked. Even Buzz Aldrin thinks so.

But you still might camp out in something smaller than a mid sized apartment on wheels, so the dream of the 60s lives on.

Bon appetite.

Stink Buddies

One of the strange truths of the world is that guys dig poop. Adam Sandler has made an entire career out of this. I have to wonder if pair of these guys were made by a scorned woman specifically to break this habit.

 

This isn't a new concept as the Japanese have been doing this for years. Stick two big eyes above a tiny mouth and anything becomes cute. Squeezably cute. Squeezably emasculating.

 

 

Gents, it's official. Poop has been ruined for you.

Play With Your Balls

Just in case you're in the .0001% of men who don't know what your balls feel like. Coincidentally, the same percentage of men can't have fun.

Boys, be healthy and safe and polish the family jewels from time to time.

Before Hobbits

Before filmmakers get famous they have to take what they can get. And sometimes they relish in their bad taste.

Funny how that tends to die off once they get a blockbuster or three under their belts.

Nazi Soup

There's plenty of collectable Nazi stuff out there. And then there is collecting what Third Reich officers used to shovel soup down their gullet. Making an entire book on the collectability of such utensils will get you a listing on Amazon.com.

The stuff people get paid to study....

Birds and Bees for Tots

It's all a matter of time before little boys discover their penises and little girls find out sooner than daddy would like. Might as well throw in the towel and introduce the kid to the wonders of their real thinking head early.

And learning the bases of cocks with crayons will always me more interesting than Calculus.

End of the World as We Know It

Some people know the end of the world is coming. So how do you prep without anybody knowing? Apparently Amazon will let you discreetly prepare for the apocalypse and ship it to you with your books, speculums and yodeling pickles.

You can even save your kid if so inclined (they tend to use resources) without the neighbors suspecting a thing.

 Completely confidential. Just give name, address and credit card number.

Doubles as a Ritual Scarring Device

The do it yourself movement is alive. Now you can take off all that unwanted back hair (along with the upper layer of skin and possibly a few fat rolls) in the comfort of your home.

At least once the scars heal up you won't have to worry about the hair growing back ever again.

Overthinking Toast

You can spend three and a half minutes warming up a couple pieces of toast. Or you can spend 10 seconds blowing something up that resembles breakfast while remaining inedible.

Oh. It's a dieting device, isn't it?

A Pimp Named J.R. Junior

"Mom, I wanna dress as a pimp for Halloween."
"Do you even know what that is?"
"Sure. They slap hos around."

Please check the proper response:

1. I'm blocking MTV, VH1, and BET.
2. Hand over your iPod/MP3 player. You're cut off.
3. Well, I guess it'd be kinda cute.

If you answer number three, please pick up your phone as child services is on the line.

Reason Why Americans are Fat #42,666

In a world where chocolate covered bacon is a reality and the Texas state fair has proven that any food can and will be deep fried, these would be nothing more than a light snack.

Oh crap. I do live in that world. And in the same country that's given us deep fried butter, PB&J and Coke. And since those all came out of the Texas state fair, I will blame them for this. Even if innocent, you know it was only a matter of time.

At least they're sugar free. Gotta think of the diabetics.

Git 'R Done... Quack

If you feel the need to take Larry the Cable Guy into the bath with you, you might just be a redneck.

Now... if you need to take a Larry the Cable Guy duck into your bath you might also just be a shithead according to your hat.

Something That Goes Up A Hole

If you have a hard time finding your own asshole from time to time, the internet offers you just the thing.

Tinkle Tools

Just what I always wanted... to be able to stand up and fiddle with an appendage while I do my business. The guys no longer have a monopoly on missing the bowl and leaving the toilet seat up.

Ladies, we are one step closer to true equality.

Holy Deals

Worshipping the Lord and leading the flock of the congregation takes time, so surely the big guy would understand let someone else bake the body of Christ for easy shipment. You get to celebrate capitalism and God in one fell swoop. Everyone wins.

And since communion wafers are always stale anyway, nobody is likely to know the difference.

Math Is Hard

Teachers have been failing for years to make math fun for years. Somehow appealing to teen libidos hasn't come up until now.

And because the nerdier members of the class (as well as any hetero women) may stare blankly at silicone tits, and the frequent bathroom breaks may be a distraction in the class room there's always an alternative.

Who said the free market and education had to be at odds with one another?

Bugs Made Convenient

There was once a time when if you had a hankering for a bunch of ladybugs you could send your kids out with a piece of tuppleware and get your pickings within an hour. The internet has changed that as all it takes is getting on Amazon and hope they don't suffocate in the mail.

The sad part is that nobody is selling live fireflies. 

Nothing Bad Can Come of This...

Between Hiroshima, Nagasaki, the Cold War, Three Mile Island, Chernobyl, Iran and Fukushima, we've developed a healthy respect/fear of radioactive material over the past 70 years. It's only natural in this case that you can buy some uranium on the largest internet store on the planet.

But I suspect most buyers for this are a lot more responsible than those responsible for the incidents above.

 

 

*Note: Yes, I know this is low level material. Just the fact that any uranium would be readily available online is amusing as hell.*

Are You Hinting at Something Here?

It takes a certain level to confidence (and lack of subtlety) to make any statement about the business between your legs with a knit garment.

Sorry guys, but chances are you aren't all that and knitted anything isn't working in your favor.



Jumping Stilts

While many of us are still waiting for hoverboards to make an appearance, we apparently have to settle for jumping stilts. Strap yourself in and realize all your repressed dreams of hopping around like a kangaroo through your subdivision. It's only slightly more awkward than riding a Segway to the mailbox every morning.

You're a Shithead (literally)

 



The only way to do this fashion gem justice is paired with a NASCAR jacket, PBR shirt and your finest pair of painting pants. Socks and sandals can be used to dress the ensemble up for bingo social night, but you don't want to overpower the magnificence of wearing a turd on your cap.

And if the rest of the trailer park starts calling you a little low class it's just that they aren't gutsy enough to plummet to the full depths of trashiness.

Lets Play Doctor

For the kids really looking forward to upping their game of doctor:

All this product needs is a little marketing push. A few viral videos and endorsement from a Kardashian (M.D.)is all it would take to make cervix viewing parties all the rave among hip, professional women.

Why Should the Military Have all the Fun

As featured during the Occupy Wall Street Protests and available to you via amazon:

 

 

No need to wait on the SWAT teams to address rebellious youngsters forming drum circles; this is the 21st century after all. Works well on hippies, students, homeless, and other undesirables prone to inconvenient gatherings in public venues.

 

It is best advised for this product to be used away from smartphones, cameras or other devices with access to the internet. 

How to Avoid Huge Ships

I have to wonder what misfortune would befall someone to get them to seek out this book:

Might be a good gift if you are shopping for Jesus, the messiah or your local water walker. Of course, the price is a bit steep at the moment, so us mortals may want to take this opportunity to share our own techniques.

Mine happens to involve living in a high desert. Hasn't failed me yet.

Yodeling Pickle

Someone woke up one day and decided that the world was sorely missing yodeling pickles. There is a huge intersection of pickle fans and yodelers that have simply been ignored by the market up to now. He somehow found a like minded person willing to rectify this great wrong.

The result is this:

What would you actually do with this? Probably depends on just how dirty your mind is.